Oddly Enough...

Last night I had a long long overdue Skype chat with my oldest and dearest friend.  We talked about life, about things, about directions.

It cemented something I've been mentally chewing on for the past couple of months.  And then that cemented something plummeted to the bottom of my belly and now sits there, waiting to disintegrate and reintegrate.

I'm the villain and I should confess, I liked you better before... 

Lately I've been thinking about who I am, what I am, and what I was.  And I'm realizing that the path of my development has not quite gone the way I thought it would.  I miss the way that I was- I miss who I was.

Don't freak out.

I don't miss being sick.  I don't miss starvation, self punishment and abasement; I don't miss the constant battery of badness that I let into my brain.  I don't miss what I was.  I miss who I was.  At the very least, I miss what I found in myself when I was nearly sick to death.

In the healing and revitalizing of my body, I seem to have lost some part of my... self.  Does that make any sense?  Probably not.  Let me try again.... When I was ill and having to navigate that illness, I happened upon some well of intuition, cunning even, that drove me to uncover how strong, how capable I was.  How much I could do, the depths I could reach within my own self, was at times alarming, but ultimately reassuring.  Even though physically I dwindled to a frail bag of bones, something in the ether of me grew stronger and stronger.  Something reached out and commanded a connection.

I miss that.  I miss the space inside of me that kept me alive.  I miss the bottomless well of whatever that kept me from permanent failure.

It's capped now, that well.  Cut off, I've been struggling a lot lately with a sense that something fundamental is now lost to me.  Something special is removed, remote.

And maybe I'm not supposed to be able to just dip in any time I want.  Maybe that's not how this works.  Maybe we get what we need when we need it most- in my case when something had to nourish me when I couldn't find the interest, will, or desire, to nourish myself.

Or maybe I'm being punished for wanton excess.

How's that for you daily zen?