"All I want is a week without a fail. Just one week. Just One!"
Then I paused, took a breath, and thought- I can get a little more out of this. My self abasement has recently picked up again- fast tracking me back into a self-loathing which fast tracks me into the following statement:
I disgust myself. I Disgust Myself. Even myself and especially myself. Because I don't know how to be. I do not know how to be... myself, something, anything... I watched and lurked around a potluck last night and could not find it in myself to act like a normal human-creature instead of the ill-willed diseased wraith that I am. I seem to be unable to interact in a happily social fashion with people because I suppose I don't feel like a person.
Where is the cosmic/karmic reset button when I need it? It does not seem to be in my soul or spirit. Ant it's certainly not in the mirror. Nor in the tears that I shed for myself an every other suffering scared little girl out there.
Anyway. There are always the mountains. I may never have a week without a fail- but I can still see the mountains. And I can still take a breath. I suppose- because supposition has become my good friend of late- I suppose I will survive for that. Until next time.