Don't Read if You Want to Feel Happy.

I was just getting ready to post the following on Facebook:

"All I want is a week without a fail.  Just one week.  Just One!"

Then I paused, took a breath, and thought- I can get a little more out of this.  My self abasement has recently picked up again- fast tracking me back into a self-loathing which fast tracks me into the following statement:

I disgust myself.  I Disgust Myself.  Even myself and especially myself.  Because I don't know how to be.  I do not know how to be... myself, something, anything... I watched and lurked around a potluck last night and could not find it in myself to act like a normal human-creature instead of the ill-willed diseased wraith that I am.  I seem to be unable to interact in a happily social fashion with people because I suppose I don't feel like a person.

Where is the cosmic/karmic reset button when I need it?  It does not seem to be in my soul or spirit.  Ant it's certainly not in the mirror.  Nor in the tears that I shed for myself an every other suffering scared little girl out there.

Anyway.  There are always the mountains.  I may never have a week without a fail- but I can still see the mountains.  And I can still take a breath.  I suppose- because supposition has become my good friend of late- I suppose I will survive for that.  Until next time.