Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Two Outta Three Ain't Bad

Once upon a time the first boy who, I think, really ever loved me, asked what I wanted in life.  He was my college boyfriend- my first boyfriend, actually- but not yet when he asked.

When I recall this moment in time, I am often surprised that he pursued me after I paused… and then answered:

"All I want in life is a dog, a jeep, and a house on a cliff by the sea."

All my 20-year-old self wanted in life was a dog, a jeep, and a house on a cliff by the sea.  She did not care about much else.

I wonder sometimes that he did not see the far-away look in my eyes.  Already half a world away, the thought of a simple, graceful life set me light years away from him and from me, from that moment- in the cool evening of North Carolina fall.

I look back on that moment at this moment and think 'well hell- I've got the dog and the jeep.'  And two outta three ain't bad.  And it's nearly three out of three these days because the present Kate would amend that all she wants in life is a dog, a jeep, and a house in the mountains.

New Hampshire is nothing if not mountainous.

These past few days, my first real days has a resident of New England, have proved challenging.  What housing I can afford won't take dogs, what housing I can't… merrily welcomes animals and pets of all nature.  Apartments that are too far away to be realistic and places that are too close to be truly available.

And on top of that, it's still winter in New England- in late March.  Which means Mud Season is yet to come.  Which means both said jeep and said dog are going to be filthy for a good long while.  The jeep does not matter so much, but the dog gets some kick out of jumping on me.  Which means I am going to be filthy for a good long while.

But I still have my boy.  And the jeep is still kicking it.  And the snow, for now, is still bright and beautiful and deliciously deep.

And at the end of the day, it does not matter how dirty, how frustrating, how disconcerting this move proves…

It matters that I am here.

Much love, Friends and Family, and more to come.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Mark It

My life is a carefully measured cocktail of nonsense.

And for the next year, it is going to be an exceptionally well-chilled cocktail.

After many moons of holding back and bolting forward and globe trotting (just because), I am finally making the move north to my beloved New Hampshire.

To be clear- I have been warned: not once, twice, nor thrice, but on more occasions than I can count.  I have been warned that I am being over sentimental and nostalgic.  I have been warned that I am moving at the wrong time for the wrong reasons.  I have been warned that I will, beyond a shadow of a doubt, freeze to death.  Or, at the very least, lose my circulatorily (I did make up that word, yes) delicate digitalia to the cold.

I have been warned.

And yet, here I go.

But I go with a promise to myself (and those of you who follow this blog with some faith know how I feel about making and breaking promises to myself)- a promise that I will give it one year.  Stick it out for exactly one year.  If, after one year, all has gone to hell, then I get to flee back south with tail proudly NOT tucked between legs.  I get to flee to warm weather and four solid seasons.

If, however, I can stick it and NOT freeze, loose fingers or toes, die, etc… I might just try to make it work.

So that's it, kiddos.

Mark it.

My year begins on March 23, 2014.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Yet Another Conversation...

Mom asked me an interesting question the other day while discussing my impending move to New England, the support network I am building for myself there and what to have for lunch:

"Can they handle this ['this' being disordered illness]?"

I paused before responding (which I think shows just how far I've come- both the pregnant pause and the carefully pondered answer) "No one handles it except for those of us with it.  And the only people who can handle us are the ones who love beyond loving us."

To which she replied… "you're not wrong."

I love perfect use of pseudo-double negatives.

More soon, my Dearest of Dear Hearts.

Friday, March 7, 2014

I Am

Brutal (sometimes Broken)
Cunning, Coy, Careless, Careful, Calamitous, Chameleon
Eloquent, Essential
Fearless, Fearful, Full of It
Healing, Hating, Hurricane-like in my Power of Destruction
Just Shy of Dead (Once Upon a Time), Jealous
Kathrine Seyfried
Lucky to be Loved
Nervous and Neurotic and Not a Little Nuts
Powerless and Powerful- Proud
Simultaneously Sinner and Saint and Something in Between
The friend you have who often causes you to roll your eyes
Usually Useless
X-many things to X-many people
Young, Yours

And that's just the beginning.