Fun is Fun- or- Forgive Me for Yet Another Ramble

It should come as no surprise that I do realize, after so many years, so many posts, so much… stuff, that I have (theoretically and UTTERLY BARRING the eating disorder, broken bones, antidepressants, bats, and dog with a striking case of pica, etc etc etc) the kind of life that people kind of dig.  People: people I love, strangers, people who sometimes sort of have a notion of me, seem to like the idea of what I do and how I do what I do.

That is… until most of those people start to grasp the reality behind the idea.  I go- I do- I see.  On my own terms, in my own way.  I defy some sort of assumed social expectations (expectations which I assume society has for me) in favor of doing the things that make me… me.

And last night, after that fact was hammered home yet again, I had a moment… well I had several moments- hence the ramble.  

At the Gaslight Anthem concert at the House of Blues in Boston (the concert which surreptitiously gave shape to this entire pre birthday pre weekend in Salem) , Mom and I stood in front of some gentlemen who oohed and aahed over my 'career' of Park Ranger.  They delighted in the fact that I have and show tattoos (even while wearing an outfit made up nearly fully of J Crew threads and rose quartz earrings).

These guys did not know me from Adam.. and yet I was either their dream girl or had their dream job or dream life.

And here's where I call bullshit on that.  Who knows my dreams but me?  Who knows whose dream girl I want to be?  Whose dream life I want to share- or inhabit?  And who the hell out there knows the kind of life I really lead?  The kind of work that goes into the life I lead?  The triumphs and tragedies I brush off and face every single day?

In the midst of this ongoing mental and emotional card game, GA plays both Selected Poems and Biloxi Parish- two of my favorite songs from them.

Selected Poems contains the following lines:

I was fortunately desperate and turbulently innocent. 
I was living underneath my body weight. 
My eyes were swollen green and hazy, sick from grief and hate and envy, 
I was crawling up inside my head. 

And all I seem to find is that everything has chains. 
And all this just feels like a series of dreams. 
Selected poems and lovers I can't begin to name. 
And all in all I find that nothing is the same…
…

And all I seem to find is how everything has chains. 
And all my life just feels like an idiot dream. 
Selected poems and lovers I never see again. 
And all in all I find that nothing stays the same… 

And what I am thinking of when I hear those lines, every time I hear those lines, is how my life does seem to be a series of dreams.  Some come true, others don't.  But these dreams are mine. Maybe I am an idiot for dreaming, maybe I am only fulfilling an idiot's dreams- but these dreams are mine.  I am NOBODY'S dream but MY OWN.

And Biloxi Parish?

But until then I'll be with you through the dark, 
Yes, until then I'll be with you through the dark

And who else can say that about you baby?
Who else can say that about you now?
Who else can take all your blood and your curses-
Nobody I've seen you hanging around… 
seen you hanging around…

And there you have it- there's the person whose dreams I want to inhabit.  The person who get's me- not the idea of me.  But me.  The person who wants to be with me through all of the hissing and spitting that I can kick out- the person who understands that my dreams, my series of idiot dreams keep coming and going- and who understands that maybe, just maybe, I want someone to hold my hand when I want to jump into them.

And then, AND THEN, Brian Fallon decides to say something to the effect of.. 'Look, why do any of us have to grow up and deal with what society expects us to deal with and be responsible for?  Why do we have to live the life that is prescribed for us?  I mean…  you grow and you learn.. and at the end of the day, it doesn't matter how much you grow or learn…

Fun is Fun.'

Why, hello Ticket, there you are.  Fun is Fun.  My life, as scattershot, idiotic, and irresponsible as it is… it's mine.  And it's hard, and I don't play by societies rules, and I live like a gypsy, but I'm growing up everyday- and every day I'm learning.

That fun is fun.  And you might as well have fun while you can, when you can, and however you can.

And until next time… My dreams, My ideas, My life, Me.  I give you  me, My Loves.