Does the Lady answer.
Today I pondered the meaning of friendship, of companionship. I became blue, to tell the truth, over my lack of close ties.
Not only do I have very few (I literally CAN count them on one hand) good (truest, boldest meaning of the word) friends, those that I do have I've done a superb job cutting out of my life lately. Literally superb. My depression, anxiety, and illness have done a stunning job creeping back into my life since New Zealand and in a last-ditch attempt to keep them at bay, I have isolated myself.
And I mean ISOLATED.
Only the Lonely.
So this morning as I performed Sadhana and engaged meditative, deep yogic breathing, I pondered friendship. And then sadness overwhelmed me. Overwhelmed.... I was overwhelmed because I realized how much I had cut myself off from the rest of the world. While I am perfectly, even happily, comfortable with my own company over dinner, coffee, out and about... even out for a wine at a bar, I am I not one to go out partying by myself. I am shy, wallfloweresque, and delicate- kind of. Of course once you get inside the layer of self-consciousness that surrounds the essence of my being (that really IS the essence of my being) you will find a different, chatting, scathing, judgmental, fiery being. One to which the word "wallflower" does NOT apply.
But it takes some time to get there. Some time and patience.
The point is, in the middle of abject blueness; depression over my lack of friendliness and ability to maintain relationships; painful self-doubt; the Lady* gave me a sign.
I received an email from a best friend from whom I have not heard, literally in years. She needs me and I need her. So we are here, present, for each other even after so much time has passed in non-communication, separate growth, and individual progression.
It is the Lady's way of telling me I am not, after all, without. Not without at all, in fact. And that is how it works. At the end of the day- that is indeed how it works. Only when the grief, blueness desperation is inescapable- Only when we cannot even think to ask for it (or know what the question is for that matter)- the Lady answers.
'Till next time, mes Amis...
*I should mention something about the identity of 'the Lady.' To me she is Mother Nature, the Great Being. She is Hecate, Mother Mary, A Power that Is, the Universal Greatness of Grace. She is the supreme witch- the one who Gives.
I think we've all got those dark moments of the soul, even surrounded by people we love, where we feel supremely, unbudgingly alone. At least I do.
ReplyDeleteGlad you found your way. That's something you seem good at--finding things--your way, yourself, your calling. Keep on, keeping on. And keep in touch :)