Obsessions- The Summer Series

I decided that since summer is getting ready to blossom with it's fullest heady heat here in the south, I would put up an obsessions list to go with.  I have selected all of those 'things' that keep me all flustered and matching the ever-growing heat index around here.

To continue- I am completely and utterly obsessed with the following:

I have always had a soft spot, a weakness, a heart-stopping hiccupy crush, on dramatic music- Bat for Lashes, Sigur Ros, Stevie Nicks.  But nothing, these days, gets more dramatic than Florence + The Machine.  And let me tell you, every time I hear this song, I get more than a little hot and bothered...  Yes- I agree that if you listen carefully to the lyrics you will probably think me a suicide risk.  So if that does not float your boat- try this one on for size.  Still Florence, still hot and bothered.  I mean, really.

Okay.. soooooo... knowing my track-record with men (and pardon the pun if you recognize it) it's probably just the hair but HOT DAMN.  And let us be honest where honesty is called for- again knowing my track record with men... it could also be the costumes.  And yes, this is me creating another link to another photo just to hit it home.  Both of these guys... I could happily turn them into ice-cream cones.  Happily.  Gleefully.  With cheerful abandon.  Okay, I'm done now.  You get the idea- and the many pictures.  The point is, perhaps I need some heroic (or anti-heroic as I am currently toppling in the direction of Loki) behavior in my life, judging by how much I adore the Thor and Avengers franchises... okay okay.. judging by how much I adore the Thor and Avengers MEN.

...

Now that I have sufficiently fanned myself off, let us move on.

Am I the last person on earth to discover the Primeval Series?  I have always like Brit Tele much better than American and this little jewel just triggers so many flights of fancy.  Granted- it is far from the most intellectually stimulating television programs out there, but I like to put it on the background when I am pretending to study Ayurveda :).

There is this pose in yoga that makes me a little excitable as well.  I know it from New Zealand as Equestrian (Ashwa Sanchalanasana) but I do believe that North Americans know it as a 'Low Lunge.'  Regardless of what you actually call it, nothing will cure your hip ailments like dropping into this baby and remaining in it for thirty seconds to a minute.  It feels like heaven. Horse Heaven for me, I suppose.  But beyond that, it feels like strength.  Pure, powerful, spiritual strength.

The idea of Mom and myself getting tattoos at the same time.  She still hasn't quite decided but I have only a small decision to make.  This gal on my wrist- or the one that my dear Jay is supposedly drawing for me... Um... Jay-Bird... where's the witch??

So I think that's all for now.  I mean, that's all besides the usual hodge podge that flows through my brain making me all crazy-like: Iceland, travel, Argentina, a fine Malbec, TRAVEL, the Mountains, travel... you know how it goes.

I send you love, friends, until next time.

Cheers.

9/24/2011

Because I fancy myself some sort of writer, I made one of those oh so tricky promises to always write at least one poem a year- one poem a year on my birthday.

I just recently found the one from my past celebratory date:

I have made deals with the devil-
knowing full well the devil does not deal.
And I have done it gleefully,
desperately.
And only the desperate are answered because their questions are
      considerably more powerful
than the bored.
And when desperation combines with waning strength,
the devil appears.
What is the devil except for every bad thing
erupting at once?
What is the devil but my unraveling.
----------------------------------------------

Must have been a pretty wicked birthday, hey?

Adventure

I decided tonight that I would read my card using Osho Zen Tarot.  It is a terrifyingly... adept... deck.  It has intelligence that most people do not have and cannot hope to ever achieve.

I shuffled the deck thinking- I know what I have to do- now how do I do it? What a question, eh?

When I finished shuffling, I cut the deck and pulled my card.  I expected something unusual.  I got Adventure:

"Zen says truth has nothing to do with authority, truth has nothing to do with tradition, truth has nothing to do with the past- truth is a radical, personal realization.  You have to come to it.

Knowledge is certain; the search for personal knowledge is very, very hazard.  Nobody can guarantee it.  If you ask me if I can guarantee anything, I say I cannot guarantee you anything.  I can only guarantee danger, that much is certain.  I can only guarantee you a long adventure with every possibility of join astray and never reaching the goal.  But one thing is certain: the very search will help you to grow.  I can guarantee only growth.  Danger will be there, sacrifice will be there; you will be moving every day into the unknown, into the uncharted, and there will be no map to follow, no guide to follow.  Yes, there are millions of dangers and you can go astray and you can get lost, but that is the only way one grows.  Insecurity is the only way to grow, to face danger is the only way to grow, to accept the challenge of the unknown is the only way to grow."

Imagine my surprise on pulling that card and reading that description.  Those of you who have been following the blog consistently will understand.  Those of you who have an inkling of knowledge about me and my current situate will understand.

Adventure.  Perhaps it is exactly how to do it.

Osho Zen Tarot- I am grateful, graceful.  Even though I consistently and passionately loathe the very fiber of my meagre being, and I am not sure I am worthy of Adventure- I am grateful.

Until next time.

Some Small Poetry

what is the most brutal is the honesty of heartbreak-
self hate only breeds heartache.

Only When You Cannot Ask...

Does the Lady answer.

Today I pondered the meaning of friendship, of companionship.  I became blue, to tell the truth, over my lack of close ties.

Not only do I have very few (I literally CAN count them on one hand) good (truest, boldest meaning of the word) friends, those that I do have I've done a superb job cutting out of my life lately.  Literally superb.  My depression, anxiety, and illness have done a stunning job creeping back into my life since New Zealand and in a last-ditch attempt to keep them at bay, I have isolated myself.

And I mean ISOLATED.

Only the Lonely.

So this morning as I performed Sadhana and engaged meditative, deep yogic breathing, I pondered friendship.  And then sadness overwhelmed me.  Overwhelmed.... I was overwhelmed because I realized how much I had cut myself off from the rest of the world.  While I am perfectly, even happily, comfortable with my own company over dinner, coffee, out and about... even out for a wine at a bar, I am  I not one to go out partying by myself.  I am shy, wallfloweresque, and delicate- kind of.  Of course once you get inside the layer of self-consciousness that surrounds the essence of my being (that really IS the essence of my being) you will find a different, chatting, scathing, judgmental, fiery being.  One to which the word "wallflower" does NOT apply.

But it takes some time to get there.  Some time and patience.

The point is, in the middle of abject blueness; depression over my lack of friendliness and ability to maintain relationships; painful self-doubt; the Lady* gave me a sign.

I received  an email from a best friend from whom I have not heard, literally in years.  She needs me and I need her.  So we are here, present, for each other even after so much time has passed in non-communication, separate growth, and individual progression.

It is the Lady's way of telling me I am not, after all, without.  Not without at all, in fact.  And that is how it works.  At the end of the day- that is indeed how it works.  Only when the grief, blueness desperation is inescapable- Only when we cannot even think to ask for it (or know what the question is for that matter)- the Lady answers.

'Till next time, mes Amis...


*I should mention something about the identity of 'the Lady.'  To me she is Mother Nature, the Great Being.  She is Hecate, Mother Mary, A Power that Is, the Universal Greatness of Grace.  She is the supreme witch- the one who Gives.

Check It Out

So, in my attempt to get my own yoga business/practice/studio/etc. up off the ground, I have created a new blog.  No worries, 'sometime' is still my baby- it's my personal sounding board, my personal therapist, my own written weep-fest....

But check it out anyway-

http://aumyoganc.wordpress.com/

And let me know what you are thinking.  And (yes- shameless self-promotion) if you are in the area, give me a holler.

Much love, Friends.

Namaste, Cheers, and Until Next Time.

A Quote:

"Time goes faster the more hollow it is.  Lives with no meaning go straight past you, like trains that don't stop at your station."

--Carlos Ruiz Zafon--

Beltane

Or- May Day.

Or- Mayday.

Today, the first of May, is Beltane- the beginning of the lighter half of the year when we celebrate growth and length; fertility and loving seasonality.  We celebrate with cleansing fires and delicious candle chanting.  We also celebrate it by examining our own growth, the length of our own journeys.  So it only seems right that I should use this day to send out a Mayday- a distress signal- a call for help.

I would like the next half of the year, of my year, to indeed be lighter.  I'd like to be freer, finer, happier.  I'd like to accomplish my Sankalpa.  Sankalpa is an intention set up by a practitioner of yoga.  It is a willingness, a determination, an INTENTION.  One usually sets one's sankalpa by repeating the intention three times during meditation, yoga nidra, or nidra vidya.

Lightness of Being.

Lightness of Being.

Lightness of Being.

Is that too much to ask?  Ha!  Of course it is.  But is it too great an intention to set?  Of course not.  No intention is too great to set; no determination is too weak to fall apart.  But mine needs help.  Mine needs, I need, major help.  I am having trouble, lately, keeping my head above water.  I am having trouble staying full of grace and lightness of being.  A LOT of trouble.  I seem to be slipping, darkening, growing heavier.

So I use this May Day, this Beltane, to send out a Mayday.  A cry for help because I am not above asking for it.

Celebrate with Fires.  And think of me, if you can.  Happy thoughts.

Much Love, Friends, and Many Light Thoughts.