I decided to do a two-fer-one today. Two blogs, one post. It has been a long week, a longer night and the longest time. Enjoy:
Decisions, Decisions
It's funny, but every time I write a blog I have some difficulty coming up with a title. Today's options included: 'Wearing Thin', 'Setbacks', 'Bravery', and 'Integrity', amongst others. None of those have the effect that I want for this entry in particular. So I went with the considerably more neutral 'Decisions Decisions.' Because that is my life lately.
At any rate, let me get on with it. I have begun the process of phone-calling, refunding, promise-breaking. The promises I am breaking are mostly ones that I have made to myself over time- be strong, be a fortress, keep what is yours and yours alone to yourself. Be better. Go to Maine once a year, every year, for as long as you both shall live. These promises I made... I made over time and as a result to many odd and probably mostly juvenile events in my life. But they are mine. Which is why these decisions that I must make now are so difficult. I do not want to break my word. Especially not to myself.
But some things, I suppose, break.
The decisions that have been left to me, and I mean really left to me alone, are few and far between. Most of them have been taken from me one way or another. Return to work? How about a hurricane instead? Move to New England? How about you'll freeze to death by your second night because there is nothing left of you? Do yoga...? mmm... I don't think so- you have tendinitis in your wrist! So I make the aforementioned phone calls and ask for said refunds. And then I grin and bear another promise that I have broken. And I don't have the heart to make any more to myself just yet.
The decisions I get to make are more along the lines of... run two miles today? or Four? Clean room? Or attempt to bake banana bread? Pretty low-key decisions. I suppose that's just the way of things right now. I hope only for right now.
Songs
I know that everyone has moments that are defined by songs and songs defined by moments. So here is my current list:
I have been listening to a lot of Mumford and Sons lately. Especially this song. Listen carefully- there is a line which states 'it seems that all my bridges have been burnt- you say that's exactly how this grace thing works.' That line, that line sums up what daily runs through my head. Especially now, especially after all these decisions. If you get a chance, this song makes me cry every time I hear it. In a good way, I guess, because it is hopeful in it's own very British, very dour way.
Bon Iver, Bon Iver, Bon Iver should have first billing on this list of songs. He's been saving me, of late, without knowing me or caring for me. I can't stop listening to Holocene. Because I am not magnificent. And because I have never cried so hard in my life and because hearing a male voice say these words is so much more emotive and heartbreaking then even she could be: his cover of Bonnie Raitt's classic. If I could pull the covers over my head and sleep the rest of the year away, I'd have Bon Iver singing my lullaby.
Adele's second album 21 kills it. The angry girl in me likes to blast Rolling in the Deep. Of course, then I run out of energy and need something a little more restorative. Enter more Bon Iver. Really, you don't even need a link here, just youtube Bon Iver, pick a song, and it will be amazingly intuitive.
For the pop addict in me... Oi.. I am loathe to admit it but... The Script have my ear.
Cheers Friends. Alas, I am not able to report on the Jesus Christ University signage of late. I do wonder what they have to say about the 'Monster Hurricane.' Probably something incredibly deep and powerful. And damning.
And not at all intelligent.
Okay, until next time.
No comments:
Post a Comment