Dear China

Bon Jovi called, he wants his acid wash jeans back.

I daily thank my lucky starts that China has no real influence in the fashion world. Yes, I know, this coming from me- the girl who who is permanently clothed in Patagonia, something from a thrift store, or chacos. Or clogs, let's not forget the clogs- the clunky, murderous, slightly platformed danskos that I am wholeheartedly trying to bring into any sort of style. I realize the irony in this situation. I am literally the last person on earth who can make any sort of critique on fashion. In fact, I think most of you daily thank your lucky stars that I have no real influence on fashion world.

But back to the point. If the 14 million residents of Chengdu are any indication, 1987 is back in style. And back in style to stay. It's devastating. I have no other words for this phenomenon. I mean, I've seen the unnerving 80s styles trends around... the tapered jeans, the side ponytail. I've even sported a side pony or two- recently. Not to mention when Pat and I were in Perth, I saw the same thing. Acid wash jeans, cut off short shorts (with pockets sticking very hick-ly out the bottom, billowy belly shirts that defied the laws of nature and did not meet the high-waist band of the jean short shorts. I was distressed, to say the least. But come on, Australia is Australia- untethered to the rest of known society, existing in a protective island solitude bubble which precludes it's inhabitants from having any pressing need to exhibit fashion sense.

What's your excuse China?

All I'm saying is that the western world is apparently terrified of China, right? Because the government is sitting on trillions of dollars of surplus (and we owe them a bit, too), or because there are a billion Chinese, or because they have in the past year or so developed stealth fighter technology (for more on this, see the Daily Show, January 20, 2011. Then keep watching, Stewart's bit on Steve Cohen is both priceless and poignant). Or because they have a nasty habit of kind of poisoning people (babies) with tainted milk.

But put this is your pipe and smoke it- acid wash jeans. Rhinestones. Bedazzlers gone wrong. Embroidered velvet pants. Neon. TONS of neon. It's okay on Nikes. It's not okay as the accent color on shoulder pads. These are the choices the Chinese are making every day. And I know they have mirrors, I walk past old men cutting them into panels on makeshift workbenches while their grandchildren toddle into oncoming traffic every day. They've got mirrors, they just don't use them.

Everyone calm down.

But if you never hear from me again, it's probably because I've been taken into custody for writing this blog and am being forced to work in labor camp- acid washing.

Or supergluing tiny fake jewels to already ugly hair clips. Or shoes.

Cheers, Friends.