Fear and Loathing in Self Vegas

As my trip to New Zealand draws closer, I begin to collect and I continue to think.

Let me begin at the beginning- I am traveling to New Zealand for six weeks.  I leave on January 29th, commencing this journey which has been my flotation device of sanity for the past 4 or so months- basically from the moment I decided to move on this scatter-brained idea.  In New Zealand I will spend 25 days in an intensive yoga program, living in an ashram, learning and, I hope, healing.  By the completing of my intensive I will be able to certify myself with the Yoga Alliance (the international standard bearer for western yoga) as a RYT-200.

C and I on Stewart Island during my 2010 trip to New Zealand

But before certification and official-dom comes play.  Because I then get to spend another two-ish weeks or so prowling about the North and South Islands with my best friend, Carissa, and myself.  Or my Self.  I will try and keep myself, and Self, out of trouble but I cannot and will not make any promises.  I established in an earlier blog that I feel spiritually eviscerated every time I break a promise I make to myself (Self). So no promises here.  Just good old fashioned travel- except slightly updated to include a kick ass Nikon P500 and a Kindle (yeah, it happened).

Once again, I digress.

I am slowly starting to sort out my packing- do I need this pair of shorts or that?  Do I bring this guide book or that one (or both)?  And I am slowly starting to get just ever so slightly excited.  But with excitement comes nerves.

Because in the back of my mind, in the back of everyones' minds, the same sets of questions tumble around.  What if this doesn't work?  What if something happens to me (her)?  What if I have (she has) a panic attack worthy of Guinness World Book?  What if I come (she comes) back worse than before?  What if I (she)cannot heal?  WHAT IF I CANNOT HEAL? 

And when those questions take hold, all of the progress I have made over the last few months begins to circle the brain drain.  Fear that I truly will never heal takes hold (because I never go from a to b, but always from a to EXTREME).  Despair and loathing set in and I start collapsing in on myself.  Like a giant star dying.  The demons that I exhaust myself trying to bargain with come tearing out of negotiations and assert themselves like the forces of nature they are.  It is difficult to write this, knowing who will read it and how their reactions will vary, but fear and nerves, loathing, are with me constantly.  My oldest companions.

The upside here is that I, too, am a force of nature.  On my worst of days I can do as much damage as the demons because I am as combative as they are.  I am a hurricane.  Sometimes I am a hurricane of sadness, sometimes grief, sometimes hellacious bitchiness and violent anger.  But sometimes I am a hurricane of renewal- the kind that cleanses the air and earth and skies and brings the best of its nature to bear on... well... nature.

I will certainly check in before heading to the Ashram.  But I wish all of you happy hurricane thoughts.

Until next time, Cheers Friends.