Over the course of two hours this morning, and by two different medical professionals, I was referred to as 'intuitive, insightful, aware, and intelligent.' These are not bad things at all. On the contrary, I have been called much, much worse and by many, many people.
But none of these qualities that apparently (currently) describe me are what I have need to be, what I want to be, described as: 'strong, resilient, undefeated.' Understand (I do) that these are the musings of a silly, sad girl whose silly, sad world is trembling. I need strength. I crave strength- an inner power which holds that silly, sad girl in place while that silly, sad world trembles away. I desperately wish for those around me to remember me as a person with a backbone... Hell, even to be remembered (remembered!) as a person with a personality would be nice.
Let's face it. My intuition does not come from some grand intellect but from half a lifetime of living with ghosts. And if I were truly insightful, truly aware, and truly truly intelligent, I probably would not be traveling down this earthshaking road (maybe a stronger word than 'trembling' is necessary) that I am on today- gleefully destructive, ruefully and distressingly marching with purpose.
We remember you as a person with backbone and a strong personality. When the hell are you going to start remembering that yourself and start living your life again and forget the past!?!?!?!? We love you and want you back as the person we once knew.
ReplyDeleteIt takes epic strength to be beautifully fragile. And you've got both. Plus you've got balls (figuratively :) to be putting yourself out there.
ReplyDeleteIt may be that your stop in your present state of mind/being is a transient one, that will ultimately make your next stop that much richer.
Drop a line anytime. And keep writing :)