The days when I am really sick of myself, I just want a hamburger. This is how I can tell exactly how sick of myself I am- by how badly I want to sit down and eat a hamburger. Preferably one with sautéed mushrooms and onions, cheese, and maybe even some bacon.
Today I want a burger and fries.
The thing is, no matter how great I seem. Scratch that. No matter how great I am, no matter how great I actually feel, I'm never really as great as that. I never feel comfortable, so to speak. And to be honest, I don't think that's a bad thing. Comfortable is unfamiliar to me, and dangerous. It's a state of stillness that I cannot afford nor will I ever. Comfortable is confusing. I think it's okay to be uncomfortable and I think it's important to be challenged.
It's been a while since I was really sick (not of myself, just sick in general). It's been a while since I starved myself for real. It's been a while since I actively did terrible things to myself because of a deeply entrenched battle between revulsion and control. Now I don't think I'm in danger of going down that road again. Not that I'm an expert or a psychiatrist, therapist, psychologist, etc. But I am an anorexic. And I know myself pretty well. So I guess I am an expert on something...ish.
But it's been on my mind lately- this combination of greatness and not greatness, of being uncomfortable, of being sick, of being sick of myself. It's a combination that is on my mind now. Because I have so much guilt over it. And it's the guilt that drives it forward over and over again. You know, because it's not like it's not constantly in my head. It is. Just sometimes I keep it back, and sometimes it creeps forward. And it's the guilt that drives it.
Why is it that I, with this life that I lead, can't just be grateful, gracious and comfortable?
I know the answer. Because I have this disease, and my brain is addled and nothing works right. But it's still hard to handle that.
And today all I really want is a hamburger- because it's normal, because it's something I would eat before I was sick, because it's something I'd like to eat again (and enjoy). And because someday I won't be guilty enough not to.