There is a switch in my brain- one that is equally as important as it is devastating. And there is literally no way of predicting when it will happen- when the switch in my brain will flip and I will suddenly (while listening to my newly rescued shelter dog yip and sigh in his dreamy sleep) and with such relief think-
Wait. I deserve to be here. I deserve to be loved- and to love myself.
Last night was that moment, that heartbeat. The bottom of my weird brain fell out and reality hit hard. Self control, I thought at one o'clock in the morning, is a great thing. Until you use it to kill yourself tortuously and slowly by starving yourself merrily.
And that is when the screaming in my head began...
WAKE UP KIDDO! DO YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO STARVE TO DEATH? DO YOU ACTUALLY WANT YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS TO DIE A LITTLE MORE EACH DAY WHILE YOUR SKIN GROWS FUZZ TO WARM ITSELF EVEN WHILE YOUR HAIR FALLS OUT?
Not really.... nope, can't say that I do anymore.
And so the still torturously slow march to reclaim myself as a person, one with wit and vim and vigor, one with humor and love, begins.
Until next time...
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