New Hampshire

Or- Pain.

I am house-sitting for a friend in Grantham, NH.  For those of you who follow this blog but do not actually know me too well, I used to live and work in New Hampshire.  It is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, one of my favorite places on earth.

It is peaceful here.  And silent in the countryside.  And the air is so clean, so crisp and verdant with life and love and the promise of healing that you can barely stand it.  I can barely stand it.

Which is why it is so difficult for me to be here at the moment.  Because a major, and I mean major, part of me has not even begun to heal.  That part of me, the part that dictates most moments of my life, still loathes.  I loathe.  And I loathe myself.  More than anything else.  And I mean that- more than anything else in the world, I hate myself.  It has been this way for some time but for some more recent time it has been increasingly distressing.  I hate.  And I can only hate myself.  I can only feel violent hatred for my self.

So I look around at this place that I love, and I feel so much love for this place.  But then I look at myself and it all goes away.

Aye- there's the rub.  And the rub is exhausting.

Until Next Time, My Darlings.